Chapter 20

20.

Alex awakened to the soft whispers of waves on the shore and the strident calling of the sea gulls hunting breakfast along the stretch of beach behind the house. Sitting up, her arms moved upwards, her back arching as she stretched the sleep from her back and muscles. With a sigh that sounded more like a breathy grunt she stood and walked to the window to take in the beginning of day. The colors were gorgeous, the reds bleeding into orange and yellows as the bright of the sun appeared slowly in the horizon.

She started to turn away only to catch movement from the corner of her eye. Her brow arched as she recognized the lanky stride of the man whose home she shared. A fine brow arched as she watched him stand just before the ocean, his head bowed as if he were deep in thought. For the briefest of moments she admired his muscular form, before forcing herself away from the window. She couldn’t afford to appreciate what he was. Appreciating led to desire, which led to emotion, and the last time she was emotionally involved she was burned. Just look at what happened yesterday, just one kiss and she’d been ready for more. She couldn’t do more, not with this man.

She turned away from the window, her mind starting the war with her heart as she stepped towards the bathroom. She couldn’t allow herself to see him as anything other than a contract. If she did she’d have to tell him more about herself, and she knew once he figured out how worthless she was she’d end up right where she was before meeting him. Alone.

It had nearly killed her when Rafe had turned his back on her after learning of her problems. Sure he had stuck around for months after learning of her diagnosis; he’d even pretended to care. But as the days bled into weeks the hurtful words built upon themselves until he’d finally slipped away, leaving behind a shell filled with nothing but doubt.

She stepped under the shower, her head tilting back to accept the stinging spray as she tried to wash away the ghosts that threatened to rise and destroy her again, but try as she might the memories kept rising, Not a real woman, not artistic, unable to have kids, stupid and worthless kept circling along her brain synapses, along with all the other words Rafe threw at her. She just had to build the ice back around her heart, but the memories of Richie’s kiss, hands and the heat they inspired warred to melt it.

God she wanted him. She could feel it flaring to life even now. But how could he want a woman that couldn’t be a total woman for him? He had a daughter, the pride and love in his eyes spoke clearly of his want for another. She could tell he’d love more kids, and her? Well she couldn’t give them too him, at least not without a lot of heartache and medical help. She’d just have to pretend. It would probably be easy to do, it’s not like he really wanted her.

Sure he’d had a momentary lapse in the store, what man wouldn’t when faced with a barely dressed woman? But after that moment, he’d gone totally silent, almost as if he regretted his rash behavior. She could go back to being Alex with ease; he didn’t want her any way. Right? As she stepped from the shower and methodically towel dried before stepping into her room to dress she couldn’t resist looking back out the window. He was still there, studying the ocean as if it held the answer to something. She wasn’t sure what he was thinking, but she knew one thing, it didn’t look like happy thoughts..

She stepped over to the closet and chose the blandest set of shorts and blouse she’d purchased the day before. It was as close to her armor as she could get. She had to be business like. He was the contract, she was the graphics artist, and in order to be that she had to convince him that kiss meant nothing. All she had to do was look the part. That in and of itself would go a long way towards showing him it was just business as usual. It wouldn’t stop her thoughts, but she could control those around him. She had too. She’d just go back to her usual calm cool demeanor. She had to get through the next few days and she could do that.

Richie dropped to the sand, digging his heels into the sifting, cool granules. It was an unseasonably warm day at the sea today. The gulls were screechy and impatient. They knew he had a pocketful of bread, but he wasn't ready to give it up yet, to the gulls or the woman inside.

Alex had been quiet the entire ride home and had closeted herself in his guestroom as soon as humanly possible. Well as soon as her business acumen allowed her to anyway. All night he'd watched the ceiling, wondering just what a woman like her wore to bed. Was she still so prim, even in sleep or did she sprawl and relax finally?

Was she a light sleeper, or did she sleep the deep, dreamless kind of sleep that made a man work for his morning delight? And what the fuck was he thinking about mornings and any sort of delight with her for anyway? Good fuck.

She would be.

Richie closed his eyes against the thought. The long line of her closing around him, silk and steel in her thighs rose ruthlessly causing a tightness in his board shorts. The glimpse in the mirrors at the store had been enough to follow him into his room and the second cold shower of the day. He was sucker for a woman with great legs and the fact that she'd hidden them since he'd met her, made them even more alluring.

Frustrated, he ripped a hunk of stale Italian break from his kitchen and winged it up to the clash of birds overhead. They dove and squawked for a corner of the bread and he leaned back on his elbows. He felt very much like those birds these days. He was fighting for every little fucking thing, he wasn't sure if he could fight for a woman right now too.

He heard the soft swishing glide of his back door as she came out onto the deck. Her hair was free today, flipping around her shoulders, her blouse the color of Clementine oranges. It was ruthlessly tucked into slim fitting khakis and belted firmly, but instead of looking buttoned up, it enhanced the curve of her hips and the roundness of her ass.

It was going to be a helluva long day, if shorts and a shirt were going to turn his dick to steel. He waved, then turning his gaze back to the ocean before yelling over his shoulder. "C'mon out and help me feed the heathens!"

A brow arched as she studied him a moment. With a shake of her head, a wry smile coasting onto her lips she stepped down onto the sand and made her way towards him. "Any particular reason why these poor creatures are heathens?"

She settled herself onto the sand, her eyes turning to watch as the battle royale went on over the bits and pieces he kept tossing up, her laugh escaping her as one single gull kept failing to catch a piece. "Hey play fair you guys!" She reached over, snagging a piece of bread and aimed carefully, tossing a piece of the bread to the smallest bird.

"They know I'm going to give it up, but they're never patient about it," he said with a grin flinging another hunk into the sky as the kamikaze birds went for it.

She settled back and watched as he continued, a smile working its way onto her lips as he carefully made sure each gull got a portion, her voice holding a slight laugh. "Why do I think you have them named?"

"Well, the names aren't exactly fit for female ears...nor my daughter's." He grinned. "They're little beasts and most of them have beasty names too." He crossed his ankles and pointed with his big toe as he leaned into her conspiratorially. "The only one of this bunch is Beez," he gestured to the gull with the face that looked like it was dipped in black ink.

Her brow lifted as she studied the gull, "Bees? He doesn't look like a bee to me."

"As in Beelzebub." He looked up at her, peering over his shades. "He is the devil incarnate. He brings storms too, I'm convinced." He collapsed onto the sand and looked up as they circled. "That and he shits on my truck without fail."

She shook her head and held back the laugh that threatened. "Ahh I see. And that one?" She pointed to the smallish gull that had gotten her attention. "He on your shit list too?"

"Nah, that one's new. I guess we'll call it Al in honor of you, eh?" He lifted his head, his abs tightening with the position before he dropped back into his folded arms. He waved his feet back and forth. "Nothing quite like cheating Mother Nature with a 70 degree day in the last week of October, huh?"

She blinked and studied him a moment, her hand snaking out to snag a piece of the bread he'd laid beside him. Tossing it up she grinned as "Al" caught it. "Mother Nature is one smart cookie, she knows, I think, when people need the escape to the outside, even when it’s supposed to be cooler."

He turned to her. "She's a moody bitch most of the time, actually, but I'll ride her good vibes today." He waggled his brows. "You look nice today," he said absently. "Relaxed, I like it."

She fought back the smile his compliment inspired and wondered how a basic set of shorts and blouse could look relaxed. It's not like she'd put on anything that was in the least bit sexy after all. Maybe she shouldn't have left her hair down. I'll have to remember to keep it pulled back dammit, it always did make me look younger. "Ahh, thanks, I think."

Not that you don't always look nice," he back peddled, "I just mean that the beach is doing its job. The water and the sea air lets you breathe. The city doesn't." He stopped before he sounded any lamer. "Sometimes I just need this to make me think again and not just react to all the stimulus the city causes." And you. There's enough stimulus in a strand of your hair to get me hot and wired.

She pulled her knees up, her arms wrapping around them as she turned to watch the oceans hues change with the waves. "Not just the city stimulus though, lots you’re trying to escape from." The words were out before she could stop herself. Fuck Alex, you're not here to psychoanalyze the damn man. Get it together. Change the subject. She quieted, not really wanting to bring up the album, or see the tension return to his shoulders. "The ocean here is beautiful, not like the ones in New York."


He rolled onto his side. "I'm not hiding, Lex. I'm facing all of my demons which is why I feel like shit. Facing it hurts, wanting what's best for my kid hurts, so I just channel the hurt into the music." He rolled back until the blue sky and the blinding sun blasted his eyes before he remembered to raise his shades again. "Catharsis is the name of the game. I used to try to exorcize my demons with a willing woman, but the emptiness afterward isn't worth it. The next woman I lay my hands on will mean something. She'll know it," he paused, "and I'll know it."

"At least you know what's important," She lay her head on her knee, her eyes sliding to watch him. "That's what counts. You didn't get stuck on stupid like so many do."

"Depends on your definition of stuck on stupid. My ex's aren't exactly low profile. Well, until Jenn. She was the closest thing to a girlfriend that I had after the divorce." Unsure why he was emptying out his soul to her, he sighed. "I went from party boy to husband and father. I liked being a husband. I was good at it, oddly enough. And when Heather didn't want any more kids it destroyed us."

He reached under his shades and rubbed. "I could deal with the career and the distance, I could even deal with the wait, but the lies. The lies killed us."


The absolute pain in his voice arrowed through her, whispered its need to be heard and understood. What would be the harm of comforting his hurt, of helping take away the pain? She wanted him to not hurt, to know it was ok, and that want had her pushing away his other words, had her constant can't go there angel on the shoulder quickly tied down as she made the decision to just for now to live in the moment.

I understand his hurt. Lies, words they wound so deep. I've been there, and no-one should have to feel that, especially someone as nice as him. "The death of hope hurts more than anything else." She allowed a smile, her finger tracing lightly over his cheek, "But you gotta remember, when one door closes, there's always another one out there ready to open. When you’re ready to find it, you can open it ya know. Just don't give up."

Richie trapped her finger there against him, holding her hand captive as he pressed his cheek into her hand. It felt good to be touched, to know it didn't need to go any further than this if he didn't want it to. When he looked up and the wind lifted her hair around the widest part of his hand, he reached up.

The kiss was easy and as uncomplicated as the breeze off the ocean, the gulls screaming above and the water rushing around them just down the beach. It was one of comfort and easy understanding. When his fingers slid into her hair, he felt the first stirring of complication. The first stirring of that fire they'd found the day before. And when he pulled back, her wide golden eyes met his. "Lex," he said roughly.